Anxiety came when I wasn’t expecting it. It didn’t start with noticeable symptoms. I had no sore throat, head ache or rash. The illness crept up like a shadow i could not see. It surrounded my life gradually until it became me. It possessed my life and i was powerless to stop it. I would try, i would push but before i knew it i wasn’t stepping foot out my door. The phone would ring and i couldn’t answer. The front door would knock and i would go silent as a mouse so not to have to open it. Id plan a day out, build myself up to telling myself its just a coffee or meal out. What if i don’t know what to say, what if i stumble my words or have an awkward silence. What if they judge me on how much ive changed from the person they knew. The thoughts creep in one by one until my shoulders cant bare the weight anymore. I cancel. Anxiety was to powerful. I visit the doctor explain how i feel not to the fullest incase they think im crazy. I cant be truthful and tell how the thought of walking out my door sets my heart into a panic. My stomach churns and my head becomes fuzzy and full….
The medication helps but doesn’t stop the thoughts. The torture i have in my own mind constantly fighting with my inner self. Bullied by my own mind. It doesn’t help suppress the nerves that caused my tummy to knot and sickness to arrive.
I have suffered with anxiety for 10 years a daily battle. As teen it wasn’t to bad but as i began to get older I realised what a cruel place the world could be. Now at 27 i have no friends. I don’t socialise . I leave the house maybe once a month. I make plans and then i back out even with my closest of family. I know it drives them mad but i simply cant help it. I live with a bully and the bully is my own mind.
I started this blog which i had wanted to for years to push back the anxiety that controls me. Even while writing this im considering not to make it public or whether to share it to the space where family and social networking friends will read. I am fighting with the bully in my mind that’s telling me they will laugh, they will judge, they will think your crazy, and the worse thing im terrified of is they will think i am a bad parent. I know in my right mind that i am a fab mummy i no i am but the bullying side still adds in those thoughts of what others will think.
I made this blog for me. To get me out these 4 walls. To force my socially awkward self to be social. To stumble my words in conversations with strangers to tell my anxiety who cares if i do at least im talking, at least im here in the moment i chose to be in even though you tried to stop me.
This year i am doing life how i want it and pushing those bullying thought out for good. Im going to events, im talking to people, im answering my own pissing front door! and im going to post this, regardless of what aniexty says others will think.
I am being me again and anxiety you are not invited to enjoy the ride.