So today I finally pushed myself to speak to my GP. I went to talk openly and honesty about how ive been feeling. Which to be frank is Shit! I had on previous visits down played my feelings and to be honest I havnt actually felt like this feeling before. This deep sadness that I cant shake off and anxiety like I have never felt so strongly. I made the appointment and in my mind had believed id cancel it anxiety would get to much, but I didn’t.
I arrived at the surgery and my doctor was sat waiting for me in the empty waiting room. He knew this was a big step and I was thankful for his kindness. As soon as we were in the room the flood gates opened and I pour it all out. I didn’t hold back like I have before I didn’t down play it I told the complete truth. When id finished and dried my tears he gave me the biggest smile that it was all out he told me how proud he was an this was the beginning. The beginning to getting better. I havnt told any family how bad things inside my own head have been I try be that bubbling person on the outside not letting the inner me be seen. But im going to stop doing that. Family is my support and we support each other when one of us falls down, so I need there support.
I have PTDS severe Anxiety and depression. PTDS is post traumatic stress disorder. I am seeking the help that I need. Over the years I have been through a lot, I really have and I know that myself. At some point that was all going to come out and that time is now.
I felt the want to type this out for my future self, to remember this day, the day I took the first step. And in a year I can look back and see how far ive come. MY blog isn’t going to be full of mental health but that is apart of me for now. My blog will still show the good days, the fun time and days out. But I will be documenting my journey through life and at this moment this is it.