I’ve talked about my first pregnancy experience in a post before and how this wasn’t a good experience. When Corey was around 9 months I had started to feel ill again and I remember telling mark I felt like I did while pregnant and the moment I said that sentence we both looked at each other with shocked faces. I remember the exact moment feeling panic, fear, and all negative emotions. I felt terrified and marks face said all my internal emotions. I was so scared to go through another pregnancy so soon let alone another C-section. It was around 8am and I hadn’t been the toilet yet from waking up so mark rushed out to get a test.
That morning I had plans with my mum and friend we were going into town to shop and get lunch. Whilst rushing around to get me and corey ready my mind was racing . My periods have never been regular so I couldn’t really work out when my last was but I knew it was around 8 weeks ago. Mark came back but was very sceptical he kept saying your not you cant be. We had tried for years before Corey and so we thought the chances were so slim. Well mark did, deep down I felt pregnant I knew I was.
I went into the bathroom and took the test. My mum was nearly at our house. The line appeared instantly before the control line had even reached the end. Mark stood outside the door and said ” see your not”… I replied ” that where your wrong”. The door instantly flung open and he was in the bathroom with me both our hands shaking looking at the test. We both burst out laughing nervously. Corey was still so small and I was so scared. I had been so poorly in his pregnancy so close to actually dying.
My mum arrived and I told her. Deep down I knew she was sad, I knew she was scared for me. No mother wants to have a child come close to death. She was petrified and I know so sad and I totally understand why she was so worried. I was worried. We spent the day in town shopping and when I came home me and mark finally got to talk properly. We spoke for hours about how we were feeling,what would we do, what if I became ill again. We were happy but terrified. We sat talking about how close in age the kids would be. We starting looking at pushchair and thinking of names. I was aroun 8-9 weeks pregnant estimated.
A week went by and it had started to sink in. I felt excited and I had started to let it become real. Then on 14th January 2015 around 9pm i woke with slight period cramping, I knew this was normal as id had cramping every month with Corey at the time that would have been my period I wasn’t to worried. But I got up and went to the toilet, there was a small amount of brown blood. I panicked and phoned a family member who rushed over and took me to A&E. I was getting abit more pain than before and I was taken into the triage quite quickly. I did a test for them and then they sent me around to the early stages of pregnancy unit. We waited there for ages and at midnight they finally called me in and told me that as I hadn’t had anymore bleeding and the scanner person had gone home they would scan me in a week. I was fuming, I had sat there for hours to just be sent away. They also told me it was implantation bleeding so gave me hope.
The next morning I hadn’t had anymore bleeding so Mark went off to work as normal. Around midday I started to get more period pains and I felt very tired. I decided to have a nap with Corey. We got into my bed together and fell asleep. Around 2pm I woke with intense pain, I pulled back the covers to get up and the bed was covered in blood. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up a lot! I was bleeding really heavily. I phoned my mum who lives a hour away and she got in her car to rush to me. I tried mark but his phone signal wasn’t great so I had to phone the main receptionist who once knowing I was pregnant rushed off to find mark and a manager drove him straight home. Mark and my mum arrived at the same time. I told them both “this is it I’m loosing the baby”. We decided mark would stay with Corey and my mum would come with me. I went through A&E again and back to the same place I was the night before. We sat for ages a few hours and my pain was intense. A girl next to us was clearly going through the same thing. I watched as she was taken back to be scanned with her boy friend and friend. They came out crying I remember saying to my mum that’s going to be me but she tried to stay positive and say it might not be. Finally I was called back for scanning. As we sat in the ultrasound room I felt like I was in a dream it didn’t feel real. The Nurse was asking lots of questions and then said “ok lets lie you on the bed and do an internal scan”. I remember saying ” but you cant I’m bleeding a lot I will bleed on the bed” and her face saddened with her reply ” I know you are we see this daily don’t worry I have to scan you”. I felt like screaming at her I felt so much anger. I lied on the bed and I could feel myself bleeding everywhere and nothing to stop it. She scanned and confirmed I had lost the baby believed to be around 8 weeks. Herself and my mum went back behind the curtain and this is a memory I will never forget.
As I stood up off the bed there seemed to be a clotted mass on the sheets I stared at it whilst wiping myself down and cleaning myself up. They gave me some paper underwear and a massive pad to put on. I kept looking at this ball on the bed and I said what is this? She replied ” it made by the foetus” and as she said it she scooped up all the paper on the bed with the mass and put it into a yellow bin. I didn’t cry I smile politely as she spoke about how common miscarriage was and I sat and listened. She then handed me a leaflet and I got up to leave. As I walked out the room I binned the leaflet. All I could think was, I walked in that room pregnant and I left not pregnant with a leaflet. Something I can never forget is did she put my baby in a bin. For years that thought has drove me crazy. Of course I couldn’t have kept it and I know the foetus hadn’t formed and probably was just a ball of mass but I left them behind in that room and that is a thought that has tortured me since.
As we left the hospital in the window of the shop I saw this little plaque out the corner of my eye and I felt like this was a little message. That my baby was now a star. So I went in and brought it. When I got home I wrote the date on the back. And every year since i’ve lit a candle on that date. Before we had Corey it had been suggested I had miscarried very early a few times this had all been before I even had been able confirm the pregnancy. I had taken a few test that were positive but then started what I thought was my period and the tests were wrong. But this was different. This had been confirmed by my doctor. This time was real for me. I had already had a child and now I had let myself love another.
I didn’t cry at all at the hospital or on the drive home. I felt strong and ok. I said bye to my mum and walked in to mark and Corey and I couldn’t hold it in anymore I sobbed my heart out. Me and mark both cried together. That day felt like a haze and a blur. The pain was intense and nothing like I had felt before it hurt a lot. The next day mark went to work and it was just me and Corey again. I spent the day cuddling him and crying. I told everyone I was fine but I wasn’t I was heart broken.
Miscarriage is so common yet no one ever talks about it. Like that baby never existed and your supposed to not tell anyone that you’d loved a little human. In my mind I had pictured that child I had thought about a life with them so for me they had existed. Your told not to tell anyone before 12 weeks the danger stage. Well why? That child existed why should they be kept a secret. They may not have been born but they had once lived. They should and deserve to be spoken about. I often think about life with a 3rd child I think about who they would have been.
For me the hospital experience of miscarriage was cold. I felt they took my baby and gave me a leaflet. Of course the miscarriage wasn’t their fault they couldn’t have done anything but the fact I walked out with just a leaflet and no after support I found hard to deal with. There is of course support in family and online groups.
A few weeks later a letter came and it was to congratulate me on my pregnancy and invited me for my 12 week scan. It broke my heart all over again. I did later go on to have Derry which affected me with the fear of loosing again. I didn’t let myself believe or think about her life I was to scared to love her at first. I did get some great support online.
So that is my experience. Have you had a miscarriage or know someone close who has?