When I was young I had always dreamed of being a mum. I wanted to be a mum from a young age I played with dolls till I was probably like 10 I loved playing the mummy role. As I got older and had boyfriends I had always wanted to start a family. I met mark when I was 18 and we officially became a couple 2 months after my 19 birthday. By 20 we lived together and had our own 2 bedroom flat. At around 21 we had started to really try for baby. A few months I would suffer really heavy and painful periods that were a week or 2 late and my nan would encourage me to test but I just wanted to wait abit longer and then my period would arrive but she was convinced these were miscarriages.
Ive talked about my first and second pregnancy experiences before and my confirmed miscarriage in between these if you’d like to read up on them. But to keep it shorter I had a really hard time. With my second pregnancy (Derry) my body just wasn’t coping. As women we our supposed to be made to carry children. I had always dreamed of having at least 3 children and gut heart tugging feeling I still have now. I just had always pictured 3 and now I am a parent if I could skip pregnancy I would never stop I just would love to surround my whole life with babies and children. I love being a mum so much but pregnancy is a killer for me literally. In my second pregnancy Mark and my mum saw how poorly I was becoming and even after my first which was probably worse than my second, we had started to talk about sterilisation. I was completely against it at first but as I neared the end of pregnancy I had started to see I just couldn’t cope again. My mum being my mum and her mothering thoughts had begged me for it while I was in my csection. Then one day whilst seeing the specialist consultant I was know under being so poorly she came in the room and looked at me. I said ” whats wrong?” she sat down and said “nothing is wrong well other than your health….” I knew she was right I was so poorly and I honestly looked like I had a terminal illness I was having to wear a heart monitor 24/7 to tell me if my heart was going to fast and an alarm would go off if I needed to call an ambulance. I was also now diabetic that we couldn’t get under control even with injecting insulin. I was having to inject blood thinner daily into my tummy. I couldn’t breathe. And as she spoke I began to cry and a nurse came in the room with tissues and paperwork.
I calmed myself down and she carried on talking ” Your body cannot carry again, you will die, I cannot force you but I seriously medically highly reccomdend and as mother myself I cant stress to you enough you can not carry again, which leads me to this… I think we should discuss sterilisation”.
I knew she was right and at that moment I felt so ill and weak I agreed to sign the papers. I signed the paper saying I agreed for my tubes to be cut at just 25 years old. An age a lot of women haven’t even had their first and I was heart broken. I came home and told mark and my mum that I had signed and I watched the relief spread across their faces whilst inside my heart had broke.
And so on the 24/07/2016 I gave birth to my last baby. She was perfect and everything I ever wanted. But I knew that was it and I was now infertile. Although it hurt it wasn’t till Derry was around 1 years that the overwhelming heart ache came. Being broody is a feeling I don’t think any women can explain its an overwhelming urge to have a baby. I still now 2 years later cannot get that feeling away. I regret with every inch of me signing that paper. I had carried 2 children in 3 years which of course for anyone is a lot and in between that I had a loss to. I wish with anything I had not signed. I wish I could have let my body heel more get my strength and at maybe 5 years later had another baby I wish with anything that was still an option. That is what my irrational mind says and ive even considered IVF and reversal But I know deep down it was for the best I know that. After pregnancy I’m left with a crumbling spine, a tear through my spine muscles which causes incredible pain daily plus a lot of illnesses that I will have for life. I know I couldn’t carry again. But it doesn’t take away the longing. I have perfect little babies a beautiful little family that I love with everything and when I really think about it I wouldn’t give them up for nothing. I wouldn’t and couldn’t risk me dying and leaving these beautiful faces without a mummy.
I’m always asked ” When are you having another?” or a question along them lines and I always feel that shoot of pain to the heart and have to reply ” no I cant carry again…etc….
So if anyone would like to be a surrogate for me step on up haha!! I wish we all had kim Ks money to get myself a surrogate hah! I just love being a mum so much. But that is the reason I will not be having another baby. sad and heart aching but I wouldn’t give up my life with my 2 babies and my man baby (mark) for anything.