Edit- Today i have just learned it is WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY 2018! I posted this without realising it was even this fate haha!…
Today I thought I would do a small update on how My mental health “Journey” or “Recovery” is going. I don’t really know what to call it but I thought today I would come to my blog and share abit. I thought I would start by re reading my post from when I first outed myself to the world and spoke up about how I was feeling. I wrote a post titled I AM NATALIE AND I HAVE MENTAL HEALTH. I thought at the time I was being honest in that post, I thought I was opening up and being truthful. Now I have just read it almost 6 months later and I can tell you that I lied. A lot of what I said in that post is the truth and I didn’t intentionally lie or not be honest, at the time I thought I was being. Now that I am in a happy brighter place I can see just how bad things were. As im typing this im even now nervous to write the truth but im going to. I worry that my family will read this and be angry or be hurt that I didn’t speak up or that I felt that badly. But I feel that being honest is the only way I can carry on getting healthier and stronger, and if this post helps just one person then it is worth it. So here is the full truth of how I felt 6 months ago…
I wrote in that post I hadn’t thoughts of suicide. That was a lie.. I had and I was scared to admit it to anyone. I was scared that those thoughts were even in my mind. I felt so deeply saddened for no reason I just couldn’t cope with it. I thought about asking my mum to have the kids for the day and just doing it. I just deleted that sentence 5 times and re wrote it but nothing is going to sugar coat it. I did think that a few times and more. I sat sobbing to myself and I couldn’t get the feeling away. I had ZERO reason to feel that way. I think it was just a combination of many things that all came to head at the same time, things that had happened years before plus life stresses all just boiled at the exact same time and my brain just went into melt down (i was later told it was post traumatic stress disorder and im still awaiting a psychiatrist appointment).
I know how stupid that sounds I have 2 beautiful children, partner and family. And if im completely honest i wouldn’t have had the guts to actually go through with it but that isn’t the point the fact those thoughts were there is enough. I would never have left my babies they are my absoulte world and i couldnt do that to them or my family but thats just how i felt. I think some thing that triggered it all was my blog. I wrote post after post about traumatic experiences like My nans death, the terrorist attack and my pregnancies. I wrote about them all in a short time without thinking they would have an after effect on me but they did. As i wrote them all i re lived those moments all together and i think along with other things my mind was just like wow i cant process all this trauma at once and i kind of shut down. Like a computer overloading it freezes and shuts down. That is the best way i can describe it. It was like a lorry full of trauma just hit me at once and i have NEVER felt that way before ever.
One morning i got up and just blurted out to mark how i truthfully felt and i watch his face drain and i felt like id just sucked the life from him. He got straight up and hid all the tablets in the house and that for me was a massive wake up call for me. That day i phoned my doctor. I saw him that night and i cried my eyes out to him and i told the truth to him. I felt like a massive weight was lifted. My doctor was amazing. I was terrified me saying those words to him would lead to social services coming to see me or something. I was scared he would think my children weren’t safe. I think that reason alone is a massive reason why parents don’t reach out for help! His actual words when i said that was ” your are an amazing mother, your children are clean, happy , healthy, so well mannered and loved i have no concerns what so ever so if that is the reason you’ve avoided me then im sorry youve be afraid”. My doctor knew something was wrong he kept asking me to come into the surgery to see him and i kept putting it off. He left me a voice message saying please when your ready come in and see me. So the day i phoned up and made an appointment i walked into the surgery and he was sat waiting in the empty waiting room for me i burst out crying as soon as i saw him and he took me into the room, sat down and then said right go say it all the full truth…. I can’t thank my doctor enough.
I then wrote a mental health update, which was truthful a few weeks later. I was feeling better but i still couldn’t see how low and bad things actually were. Now its october and boy have things improved. I am truthfully happy! When i look back to april-june im so shocked at how bad things were. I cried daily. I didn’t want to even speak. I couldnt and wouldn’t leave the house for weeks and weeks even months!! That just sounds crazy to me now. I am now still on the medication the doctor gave to balance out my hormones and the anti depressant aswell as the beater blockers but im now down to 1 a day instead of 3! I go out the house at least once a week and my smile is real. My laughter is back and my love for life has crept its way back in. I truthfully am so happy and content with life. Things were bad and i tried at the time to be honest but still wasnt fully…but now i am.
I hope this helps someone anyone who may feel that there is no way out. That there is no hope or no life for them. Your mind is poorly not crazy. You will get better things do get better. Take the first step and get yourself the help you need and deserve! It doesnt stay dark forever. Links are below for where to seek help dont be ashamed or embarrashed. Mental Health is HEALTH!
MY email. I am free to talk at any time all confidential – Lifewith2tots@hotmail.com
YOU ARE NOT ALONE