Yesterday was a really hard day. Before I get into whys and whats etc have a read of these posts I wrote previously on my mental health to get up to speed –
For a quick run down, I as a kid went through quite alot of traumatic experiences one after the other. Some things im not ready to open up about yet maybe I never will publicly anyway, but one of these things was a terrorist attack. I never dealt with them as a child and going into adulthood I went through other things like my nan dying. All this just built up and I think around 2016 I felt something change in myself. I did seek help but it wasn’t enough in hindsight but now we are here in 2020.
I have reached a point where I know things aren’t right. I have been on a waiting list for a year now to seek the help I need. Yesterday was that day. A day I dreaded so much but wanted so much at the same time. Pulling up outside the building I wanted to drive away back go home to my safe place and just bury my head. But I didnt.
I want to be open and honest with you as a reader and follower. Something in me is keeping up a guard from the world especially from the people whom have hurt me. The person who taunts me over social media and stalks us. I don’t want them to know something so personal that they can try use against me and my shame of feeling this way, to embarrass me or hurt me further. I shared that I wasn’t well on instagram. I shared a small part of how I was feeling. Within minutes my DM was flooded from friends and strangers wishing me well, good lucks and sharing there own stories with me. Their journeys, personal information about their own mental health. I appreciated it so much and they really spurred me on to open up. I have always talked openly about my mental health but recently from the trolling I held it close and didnt talk to anyone about it. But I want to not only for myself but for anyone else whom maybe feeling this way, who maybe are scared like I was and for myself to look back when I feel better to see how far ive come and I want to be completely honest. Ok …..
If it wasn’t for children I wouldn’t be here. I no my mum just read that and it gives my heart pain. ( mum I got this x ) I have a very good life with so many reasons to be happy and to not feel like that. So many people who love me. But thats the truth no sugar coating it. These thoughts have crossed my mind BUT A MASISVE BUT I never would I firstly couldnt leave my babies and deep down I don’t want to die I just want to feel well. Theres a difference.
Its very confusing opening your eyes to a house filled with laughter but you instantly feel sad as though your whole family have died. Like you’ve actually lost them imagine that pain. That is how I feel every morning. Well not every morning but 8/10. I know I am very lucky I love my partner and children so much and I really do have a happy good more than good life. I can be laughing so much like I can’t breathe and within a split second of stopping the deep sadness is there again. I have started having terrible nightmares, sleep walking and talking. It built up slowly over time from once a month to every night. Now its 3-4 times a night im screaming crying shouting. I see the dream come to life infront of me sending me into a fight or flight mode. I see terrible things happening to my family. Imagine having to watch your family be murdered in real life and then the next day you have to act as though nothing happened. You just wouldnt be able to obviously. But for me the nightmares are so real I see it I feel it and I can’t forget it. I try not to think about it the next day but its not that easy, ive just witnessed murders. Thats exactly how it is for me.
Other mornings ill wake so happy and full of energy and content. These days feel so relaxing and its a relief. Ill think thank god thats passed like the day before I was crying over nothing but today ive won the lottery type of feeling, so yesterday my appointment at the first mental health clinic ive ever been to arrived.
Growing up I knew of this place, it was talked about the place where crazy people are sent people locally to me will know the exact place. I was always scared of just the building. I was terrified and abit ashamed to go inside yesterday but I knew I had to do this alone. I wouldnt be honest if one of my family were with me and I knew I had to be honest to get the correct help. I was TERRIFIED that me being honest they’d question my parenting skills when I know im a brilliant mum. Ive never been good at anything but being a mum is my thing without blowing my own trumpet I am a fab mum. However I was scared of that happening. I was also scared they’d say I had to stay at the unit. I was scared they’d say I was on the wrong tablets so to transfer me to new ones id have to stay to do it in a controlled way! I imagined people in straight jackets and shouting crazy people. I imagined chaos.
I couldn’ t have been further from the truth.
No scary people no shouting. No caged animals haha! But the building was lovely inside very relaxed little snack area own pharmacy, infact it didnt feel like a hospital at all. I was scared of someone talking to me who wasn’t of sane mind which is ridiculous. As I sat in the waiting room a number of people spoke to me all friendly open and happy. I instantly felt relaxed. I didnt feel judged and I don’t know wether this is a good thing or not but I felt at home haha! I found my people in a mental hospital hah! (That made me laugh).
It was my turn to go in and speak with the doctor. I can’t even tell you how comfortable she made me feel. She listened, she was kind and she made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. We spoke for around 2 hours. I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. She made me feel validated and that I wasn’t going crazy and the reason for all this was alot of trauma that hadn’t been resolved. She got me new medication and off I went home. No talk of my children being in harms way, no sectioning, NOTHING but help.
Being open and honest to myself here so that I can look back and read this and where ive been and how the whole process was. I was afraid to share this part on instagram yesterday but I want to share it …they think I may have bipolar. Which I wasn’t expecting but the more I read about it the more it makes sense to me. However that isn’t a full diagnosis just a starting point. Another thing that is scary is for the next real bit of help seeing a psychologist for therapy, the waiting list is a year long. A YEAR isn’t that crazy for want of a better word. A whole year. She did point me in the direction of groups etc and ill go back and see her in 8 weeks to try and find the correct medication for me.
I was debating writing this or even sharing any of this on instagram for fear of judgement. Not so much judgement on myself but I never want anyone to judge me poorly as parent. That really digs in deep for me even though I know my mental health does not effect my ability to be a good mum but its a scary thought for me. I live for my kids so if you are that troll don’t ever get that twisted because I know Im bossing motherhood to the max. However im so glad I did share it because so many others are and were in the same position as me and it really made me well up to know im not alone.
Today the next morning, day 2 of lowering one dosage to transfer to a new one I feel relief. My body is abit shaky and I didnt sleep great but in myself I feel ok I feel genuinely relieved and oddly stronger. About 5 out of 10 which is better than the 1 I felt this time last week. I know im going to have a hard road ahead but I know I can do it and I will get better for them.