For a quick catch up on my mental health journey have a read of these –
I want to be as honest as I can doing these updates not only for myself but for anyone else in this position. I want to but I have this bit held back like I can’t say it aloud to much incase it gets worse incase I hurt my family or scare them. I have for many years suffered with mental health in silence. I didnt tell anyone how I felt until it became to much id have the odd bad day where mark wouldnt know what was wrong but the next day id put on my big girl pants and fake smile and carry on.
However ive reached a point I know in myself I HAVE TO ME HONEST, because im at point where im abit scared, no not abit scared theres that faking it again. Im alot scared. I wake up feeling like someone so close to me has died. Imagine loosing a child not that I would ever say I know how that feels but the sadness I imagine that would bring im feeling that type of sadness every day. Ive reached a point I wake and would be feeling like I was about to have the worse pain done to me and I wanted to run but in reality im in my own bed going nowhere im not about to have my bones broken but the fear I feel is just like that.
I also have a fear of being honest to anyone because I never want my children to be taken away like my mental health affects my role as mother even though I know im a great mum. Another few I have and as I write this I know shes reading it. I fear of scaring or hurting my mum. Shes an amazing mum and Im scared to ever put any worry on her. Even though I know shes worried. I can tell this has scared her. I can see she knows something is wrong.
I have had a good week I felt on top of the world that I knew would lead to a drop and I was scared of how far down the drop would go. People were commenting on how nice I looked I had 15 messaged in one day on instagram, people seeing how well happy and healthy I looked. I was taking care of my skin, hair and body. I felt extremely happy. I woke ready to take on the world. Each morning I woke happy I thought is this is it this is what I should have been feeling all these years. Happiness. I woke thinking wow these new medications are working im getting better.
It didnt last.
2 days ago I opened my eyes and the weight of the world was back on me. I felt panic I felt dizzy I felt like I couldnt breathe. I felt truly sad. I wanted to scream at myself WHY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. What is wrong with me that I wake like this. Why can’t my mind just let me live and be happy about living and not wanting to die. I don’t want to die I just want to feel normal happy and not like ive lost my children. Its not normal to wake so sad when you have the world. I spent the day in bed. The minute my kids were dressed and off to school non the wiser I climbed into bed and sobbed. I hated myself I was crippled with the worse guilt like im letting everyone down. Like mark and the kids didnt need me being a burden on them. By 4pm id rang the team looking after me I rang begged for help she asked did I need to be admitted I told her no while inside I screamed yes. She asked could she phone me back the next day I said yes. Then from there I went into a spiral of sobbing and panic. I scared mark he wanted to call my mum I stopped him. I was embarrassed I was scared.
I texted my mum and was a fraction honest. I cried some more and by 7pm id fell asleep from exhaustion. I woke up and although I still felt it the sadness had dimmed. I tried forcing myself to go out for the day I started to get ready but couldnt. I felt dizzy and light headed. I decided to relax and let this ride out. I stuck on Netflix and relaxed. I washed my hair and dried it. I just did whatever I wanted to, to try and bring myself out of the haziness.
Ive noticed getting out the house really does lift me and bring me back to reality. I wanted to go out but the thought of it filled me with dread. Around 1 o’clock I randomly thought about bowling. I suggested it to mark and he thought it was a great idea. I started to get ready but kept wanting to say ” lets leave it’ or ” I can’t be bothered” but instead I told Derry 3 ” Were going bowling” . Couldnt take it back once id told her because being the mother I am I never could let my kids down or disappoint them, I told myself thats because your a brilliant mum. I do this thing where my own mind bullies me I tell myself I not good enough or not worth it. So ive started to tell myself I am good enough I am worth it and I am a goo mum and partner.
Derry was really excited and by the time Corey came home we were all ready and waiting for him. He was BEYOND excited as we’ve never been before. And off we went.
We went bowling, we laughed, we eat, we cheered each other on, we played the arcade and most importantly we ENJOYED OURSELVES.
it was exactly what I needed. Like I knew it would be but fighting that demon side of my brain was hard but I won. I loved every minute and not once did I think about being sad or mental health at all. We came home in the dark chatting away laughing at Mark being an idiot as usual. We got in and everyone got in there pjs. The kids went straight off to bed as Corey was falling asleep and it was just bedtime. I got into bed, watch Netflix and fell asleep happy.
Today is Friday 2 days on since I felt myself falling. Ive woke happy. I walked in the living room after getting and I watched marks face light up. ” Your feeling better aren’t you” he said. I asked him how do you know that he said ” your shouldered are light and your eyes are smiling”. My heart hurt and burst. It was such a wakening to me that he could tell that just by seeing my eyes. I felt loved. I felt happy.
Now I don’t expect to feel like this forever I know the drop will probably come again. My team of people did call back the next day they brought my date forward and changed my medication again. I have a whole years wait before I get to see my next bit of help but ill fight everyday. ill crawl on my knees with my nails dug in to climb that hill back up for my children for mark for my mum for my family. Because I am wanted I want loved and I do deserve to be happy.